Top 10: Things to Love About Glenn Beck

America’s hero of hyperbole is stronger than ever these days. The growing list of sponsor drop-outs and petitions from civil libertarians can’t bring our dear Glenn Beck down. He may eventually end up broadcasting from his bomb shelter wearing a tin foil hat and talking into a soup can tied to the remaining hairs on his head. But for now, he’s planted firmly on his donut pillow at Fox News.

There’s a lot to love about Glenn Beck.

Number 10: He can out-rant anyone from Bill O’Reilly to Christian Bale

Sure, Bill O’Reilly can threaten to “do it live”, and Christian Bale will “trash your lights”, but Glenn Beck can outwit, outrage and out-rant the best of ‘em, from the pithy to the British.

During a conversation about health care reform on his radio show with a venerable opponent known only as “Kathy”, Glenn’s voice transformed into a psychotic growl as he ordered the woman to get off his phone. He spun into a frenzy, squealing once again, “Get off my phone!” in an eerie, falsetto howl. O’Reilly and Bale can do the whole angry thing, but can they do it in a spine-chilling shriek? Can they strike terror in the hearts of Kathy’s everywhere?

Didn’t think so.

Number 9: He don’t need no stinkin’ logic!

Ever want to spit in the face of reason and good sense? Glenn does this on a daily basis. He’s been quoted as saying, “The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be ‘What the hell you mean we’re out of missiles?’” On another occasion he said, “Timothy McVeigh was a coward. Violence is the stupid way out. It’ll discredit any real legitimate movement.”

Take that, brainiacs! Glenn is able to inspire us all to say what we feel, not what we mean.

Number 8: He doesn’t need weed to concoct a good conspiracy theory…

In the olden days, conspiracy theories were reserved for reefer-toking burnouts who were set to discredit scientific facts and oppressive government organizations. Glenn has brought radical suspicion to the rest of us, turning the most jovial conservative into a seething, paranoid extremist. He can transform public leaders into nazis, communists, fascists or any other kind of unpleasant party you can think of. Even…gasp…a socialist! Move over McCarthy, there’s a new psycho in town.

Glenn has even spearheaded the popular new party game, “Six Degrees of Oligarchy”.

Number 7: Who doesn’t love chipmunks?

Glenn vaguely resembles this petite, striped member of the rodentia family. Chipmunks are loveable little creatures that scurry about, collecting nuts and seeds to stuff inside their cheeks. So what’s Glenn’s excuse? What has he been storing up there? Is it razors or pushpins, to easily bring tears on command? Frogs, to help croak out his distinctive Kermit voice? Nuts, because sometimes he feels like a nut?

Number 6:  He’s been through butt surgery “gone awry”

Glenn’s deep feelings go all the way where the sun don’t shine. Back in 2007, when Glenn hated the American health care system, he had “eye-opening”, “melt your brain”, “phenomenally bad” hemorrhoid surgery that led him to the brink of suicide. Glenn fully recovered from the ordeal, despite becoming the butt of many jokes thereafter.

Sadly, surgeons were unable to remove the bug that clearly still resides there.

Number 5: He went to church for sex

Some people start going to church to make themselves a better person or to live a life serving God. Glenn found religion because his second wife, Tania, refused to have premarital sex, and wouldn’t marry unless the two adopted a faith. So Glenn did what any red-blooded male would do, and that is to race to the car in search of God, leaving a trail of dust à la Speedy Gonzales. The two proceeded to go on a “church tour” in search of the perfect religion, ultimately deciding on Mormonism.

One has to wonder, however, if Tania wasn’t trying to pull off some colossal bluff when she asked Glenn to find religion before getting in bed with her.

Number 4: He is undaunted by fearsome foes like Whoopi Goldberg

When appearing on The View in early 2009, Glenn was reluctant to address a complicated conflict between him and the ladies regarding an interlude on an Amtrak train. He responded to Barbara Walter’s melodious inquiry, “Why are you nervous?” with the assured, confident reply, “Have you looked the way looking-whoop-Whoopie’s looking at me?”

What’s even better is he had absolutely no response to Whoopie’s assertion that Glenn is a “lying sack of dog mess”.

Number 3: He has perfected the bittersweet “Pre-Cry Gasp”

Glenn’s been mocked for his frequent crying spells, but people don’t realize that it takes a certain talent to achieve the consummate Pre-Cry Gasp and subsequent Breath Hold. These steps that sound a lot like challenging wrestling moves are no laughing matter. If performed incorrectly, Glenn could suffer an aneurysm from holding his breath too long, or worse – even more brain damage.

Consider each successful tantrum a victorious walk along a thin, dangerous line.

Number 2:  Glenn might have been the second shooter in the JFK assassination

In homage to our friend Glenn, let us explore the possibility of his involvement in the JFK assassination.

The alleged second shooter was purported to have shot JFK from a grassy knoll. The letters G and K of “grassy knoll” correspond with the first and last letters of the name “Glenn Beck”. The U.S. Government affirms that Lee Harvey Oswald was the one and only shooter. Glenn’s middle name? Lee. Glenn was born in Washington State. What was the capital of the country in which JFK was murdered? Washington, DC.
The shooting occurred on November 22, 1963. Glenn Beck was born less than three months after, on February 10, 1964. Coincidence? Hardly.

Draw your own conclusions, America.

Number 1: He tried to go back in time

In the 80’s, Glenn was arrested for speeding in his DeLorean. He would have been more successful at getting a “re-do” on his life if he hadn’t left one of the gull-wings of his car wide open. Great way to get in an accident, terrible way to retreat in time to convince your mother she had a headache the night you were conceived.

Don’t ever change, Glenn Beck. You are truly and thankfully one of a kind.

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Victim In Fatal Car Crash Tragically Not Glenn Beck…

Evidently, there is at least one comedy writer at The Onion that isn’t a big Glenn Beck fan:


Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

The reality is that Glenn does not need to suffer alone. There are people out there just like him who he can confide in. Brothers in douchebaggery:

We Are Douchebags - watch more funny videos

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Top 5: Annoying Talents Of President Obama

Ever since ESL drop-out George W. Bush left office, the American people have had the luxury of listening to speeches that don’t include embarrassing misnomers and cringe-worthy faux-pas. But it’s not enough for the erudite Obama to be a Harvard graduate, a lawyer, a senator, the first black president and now a Nobel Peace Prize winner, he’s also annoyingly awesome in many other ways.

We’ve all encountered overachievers in life, and their blasé, Oh-yeah-I-climbed-Everest-in-‘96 attitude gets old quick. These are the types of people who have to be awesome even when they’re helping someone in need. You can’t even be a victim anymore – they’ll overshadow you while you’re breathless and bleeding on the sidewalk. “Yeah, it’s funny, I was on my way to my volunteer work when you fell out of that building and I caught you in my right hand while texting President Medvedev with my left. Pretty convenient how that worked out.” Yeah. Very.

Our president is one of these people. Let’s check out five of his talents that pluck him from the likes of us commoners, and place him gently amidst the awesome.

Number 5:He’s Urdulicious

The President is a voracious reader of texts in the English language, but long ago he moved on to other tongues and different alphabets. Obama was quoted in June as saying, “I have a great affinity for Pakistani culture and the great Urdu poets.” Oh really. And he’s not even pulling a Palin by generically citing “the great Urdu poets” like when Sarah answered “all of them” during the infamous magazine interrogation. That was just him being modest. Had he been asked which poet he specifically favored, he’d probably rattle off the names of three he couldn’t choose between, make a clever but brilliant joke, and that would be that. Of course he’s probably been reading American translations of Urdu, but for the purposes of this list, he’s a damn Urdu expert.

Number 4: He’s an Android

There are some people who make the same “cheese” face whenever someone whips out a camera. They instantly transform into this photogenic machine as they tilt their head for maximum light absorption without too many shadows, accentuate their best side and show just enough teeth not too look like Jaws from “The Spy Who Loved Me”. So guess who’s got this photo-oppy talent down pat? Good old Barack Obama. The thing is, he got a little too good at this. Not only did he perfect the pose, he also can’t move out of it. Yep, the whole time the camera is on him, Obama is a frozen-in-time, wax-figure-lookin’ statue! Check out this video and see for yourself:

Barack Obama’s amazingly consistent smile from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Number 3: He’s a Grammy Winner

Okay, so he’s one part Urdu-reading smarty-pants, one part perfect for the camera…now what? Apparently he’s also a rock star. You may not know that Obama has won not one, but two Grammies for the audio versions of his books “Dreams From My Father” and “The Audacity of Hope”. Sure, it’s not Record of the Year, but still. On some mantel in the White House there is a statue, it is shaped like a record player, and it has the words “Grammy” and “Obama” on it. So, it counts.

Number 2: He Can Bench 200 Pounds

Yeah, so the guy is a smart, charismatic rock star. But does he have to be strong, too? As if his intelligence and achievements won’t make you feel inadequate enough, he could bench press you and the bag of chips you’re eating right now and your cat and his two Grammies! Where does this man get the time to read, write, pose and push it out? Oh and we almost forgot, he has a mean point shot to go with that pectoral prowess. Obama 3, our egos 0:

Number 1: He’s Brad Pitt’s Cousin

Well, sort of. He’s actually his ninth cousin – close enough. This is not really a talent per se, but regardless, the following words are true: Barack Obama is Brad Pitt’s cousin.

It must have really sucked for the dudes in the late 80’s who were vying for Michelle’s attention just before Barack snagged her.

“Oh, did you hear? That smart chick you like is dating Brad Pitt’s cousin.”
“Damn it!”
“Yeah, he’s been taking her to Spike Lee movies and reading her Urdu love poetry afterwards.”
“Aw man, I didn’t even stand a chance!”
“His name’s Hussein or something.”
“Oh God. I gotta go.”

Lucky for America (or unlucky, as the case may be), the big steaming pile of crap that is the aggregate of our proposed health care reform, economy, and two wars abroad is keeping our president pretty busy, with less time to be awesome. But on the occasions that front page articles detail threats about lunatics with nuclear missiles, it’s nice to have an overachiever for a Prez. It’s all right if he makes most of his constituents look bad – at least the guy in charge is one well rounded S.O.B. You never know when that Urdu is gonna come in handy. He’s like the MacGyver of politics. Let’s hope he can fashion world peace out of a tiny gramophone and his immobile smile.

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Blog Roundup

Geek2Geek? TrekPassions.com? FarmersOnly.com? There’s a dating site for everyone… (Lemondrop)

The Ten Most Egregious Fox News Distortions (Huffpo)

Adventures in Chest Hair Creativity (Yep Yep)

The 10 Most Ridiculous Museums (Gunaxin)

Unfortunately, Everybody’s Got A Neighbor Like This (Topcultured.com)

Show Off (Dave and Thomas)

Wal-Mart cop goes all Paul Blart on a shoplifter, gets fired (Minimum Rage)

And finally, Windows 7 parties: possibly the corniest thing to go viral for it’s corniness…MSFT either has the worst or best ad agency in the world:

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There’s A Rep For That…

The folks from www.wakingupnow.com created this great spoof of Apple’s “There’s an app for that” series, taking shots at some of the more colorful republican members of Congress. I wonder what a “There’s a dem for that” app would look like? Any one want to give it a try?

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5 Ways Clinton’s Sex Scandal was Sleazier Than Letterman’s

When a prominent figure is involved in a public sex scandal, it can instantly destroy a reputation that’s taken years to build. Think Eliot Spitzer. Think Senator Larry Craig. Think John Edwards. And most of all, think former President Bill Clinton.

Now that David Letterman has revealed that he had multiple affairs with show staffers over a 20 year period. How is he punished? Why, with his highest ratings in years, of course – so high that on one October evening, his 11:30 pm show had a bigger audience than every single one of NBCs primetime programs.

So how did Dave the Dude survive relatively unscathed while Bill the Boner was forced to hang his head in shame? Weve got the answers. Sorry Dave, its not a top ten list but a top five will get the job done.

Drum roll please

5. The TV Mea Culpa

After dropping off the $2 million dollar check to the alleged extortionist (by the way, what blackmailer accepts checks?), Letterman immediately addressed the issue on his show that night. He was honest, forthright, admitted to doing some creepy things and apologized for his behavior. Watch it here:

Bill Clinton, after first denying the Monica Lewinsky rumors (yes, he said, on national TV, I did not have sexual relations with that woman), ended up having to give legal testimony on just what he actually did have with that woman. This prompted the now-infamous Clinton query on what the meaning of is is. Watch it here:

4. The Humiliated Wife

Letterman, by quickly and cleanly admitting the affair on national TV and then, the following week, by publicly apologizing to his wife (after she waterboarded him the entire weekend, no doubt) did about as much as anyone could after turning their marriage into a national embarrassment.

Bill, on the other hand, tried to throw the fastball past Hillary. He made her believe Monica was a poor deluded beret-wearing buffoon and that, again, he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Armed with the certainty of her husbands innocence, poor deluded Hillary went on The Today Show to blame Monicagate on the vast right-wing conspiracy. Yes, it turns out you can be right and absolutely wrong at the same time!

See a Sean Hannity-ized excerpt of the video here:

3. The (Alleged!) Blackmailers

Letterman’s woes were caused by one bitter and supposedly-broke man whose current live-in was rumored to be one of Daves staff conquests.

Clintons woes were caused by (in addition to Bills penis) a Republican attack-dog machine that began operation shortly after Clinton took office when a special prosecutor was named to investigate the pathetic Whitewater land deal (Wow! A scandal where the alleged perpetrator LOST money!).

Somewhere along the way, the first special prosecutor was replaced by Mr. Polly Prissypants himself, Kenneth Starr, who decided to spend millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars to investigate every single possible thing about Bill Clinton and came up empty-handed, until God gave him (and Bill) the gift of Monica Lewinsky.

Of course, if one wanted to be a real vast right-wing conspiracy nut, you could think, HmmmLetterman bashed Bush for years. HmmmLetterman gave Obama a whole hour of air time. HmmmLettermans (ALLEGED!!!) blackmailers last name was HaldermanJUST ONE LETTER AWAY from the last name of Richard Nixon’s right-hand man, Bob Haldeman!

We smell a Keith Olbermann special comment coming on

2. Their Number Two(s)

How can you really tell if someone can survive a scandal without a scratch? Just take a look at what his number two has to say about it. Are they running for cover or sticking their neck out?

Now some people might think of Paul Schaeffer as Lettermans #2. We don’t agree. A real number two is someone who could potentially be #1 so that honor would have to go to Craig Ferguson, the man who hosts the late night talkfest immediately after Dave’s. Letterman hired him and his company produces his show.

Ferguson could have said nothing and waited to see which way the wind blew. Instead, he immediately rushed to a public defense of the bossman:

Contrast that with Bill Clintons #2, Al Gore, who ran for president in the wake of the still-reverberating Monicagate scandal.

During his campaign, Al avoided invoking Clinton’s name like the plague, acting like the President who had presided over one of the best economic stretches in American history was some kind of disease-ridden scumbucket that needed to be kept away in a special locked and preferably boarded-up ward room. Like in that creepy place where Gotham City has all the insane villains put away until the next Batman movie.

And, to top it off, after Gore lost to George W. Bush, a person who was arguably the biggest idiot ever to hold the highest office in the land, Clinton asked his former VP why he didnt let him at least campaign for him in Arkansas, where he was still popular. Oh, that discussion went well… it ended in a screaming match, according to a new book, The Clinton Tapes, by historian Taylor Branch.

To sum up, Ferguson: Letterman’s a great guy! Gore: Bill who?

1. Cigars

The devil, as they say, is in the details. And, in our mind, it all comes down to what Wikipedia refers to as a “tightly rolled bundle of dried and fermented tobacco”.

David Letterman was long known as a cigar aficionado – until his bypass surgery, anyway. Many of his publicity photos used to feature him puffing away on a big one. But Letterman had the good taste to, as far as we know, only put the cigars in his mouth.

Clinton, however, he…well…ah…he and Monica…well, they…um…the cigar…er

If you dont know, find a used copy of The Starr Report. Its got twice the impact of a Letter to Penthouse, because it actually happened.

Of course, we still don’t know all the grisly details of what happened between Letterman and his female staffers, but until we hear of a Stupid Human Trick that trumps the sex toy stogie, we’ll have to declare Dave the winner and champion of the Sex Scandal Survival Sweepstakes.

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Joe The Plumber Can’t Unclog the Laugh Drain…

Joe The Plumber continues his streak of losses, which you’ll remember began with his dignity in mid 2008. If he keeps going, America will have no choice but to love him again. Talent be damned…hang around long enough with no redemming qualities and eventually people will love you…at least until they hate you again.

Alas, his latest attempt is comedy…here we were thinking that his best joke was when he said he would be a war correspondent…but apparently he thought he could do better.

Keep F%$king that chicken Joe:

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Video Guide: How To Make Fun Of Barack Obama…

Finally…a roadmap for poking fun at POTUS Barack Obama including his pregnant…pauses.
Political humorists rejoice everywhere.

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Open mike night at the California State Assembly…

Assemblyman Mike Duvall bragged privately about extramarital sex with two women to a Sacramento lobbyist…or so he thought…

Unfortunately, Mike was being open on an open mike, and so now we are all part of the conversation thanks to the wonders of Youtube

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Open Letter To The Angry Mob

Dear members of the angry mob,

Over the past few weeks, we have been observing your activities with great interest. As you have stood, united in your cause, standing shoulder to shoulder with your fellow men, we have never been more confident that the whole is never equal to the sum of its parts. In fact it is not equal to the sum of one part. Collectively you have displayed intelligence no greater than the last lemming to jump off a cliff after all its brethren have lept.

Don’t get us wrong. Individually, you may be top notch. You may be gentle folk who are saavy to the ways of the world. Like the good kid who starts to get bad grades when they hang out with the wrong crowd, you may have just lost your way. You may be dumb by association, or suffer from temporary dumbness. You may have a treatable version of dumb rather than a chronic dumb.

It is with this hope, and with temporary absence of that guy in the bud hat sporting a “Obama eats puppies and washes them down with kittens” placard, that we offer you a few immutable facts to help you determine whether you are running with a smart angry mob or a dumb angry mob.

Fact 1: There is no such thing as a smart angry mob

Do you get the sense that most of the people around you would not be able to provide an intelligent answer if asked why they are assembled? And that those remaining  would have vastly different answers from one to the next? Chances are you are in an angry, directionless mob and your IQ has already dropped by 20 points. You should work your way out of the crowd immediately. Still not sure? Look at the signs that are being carried around…do they make any sense? Have they been checked for spelling? We didn’t think so.

Fact 2: However bad the politician or the policy, remember that Nazis were really bad.

So Nazis were bad asses, and they exterminated 10 million jews, homosexuals and handicapped people during something called World War II. They also sometimes made housewares like lamps out of parts of the dead, all while trying to conquer Europe. They were really evil, not evil light.

If you are in a crowd that starts to say that such and such is a Nazi policy, and so and so is a Nazi, it is nearly certain you are in an angry mob, and you should get the hell out… Because you know who loved angry mobs? The Nazis…that’s who.

Fact 3: It is not expedient for a politician to support anything that sounds like part of a Twilight Zone plot line.

Generally, politicians have a concern about being re-elected, and this concern is with them from day one of their first term. Policies that involve feeding the electorate to aliens, keeping the citizenry in human zoos or subverting the political system (ok, there is this guy) are not in their best interest.  Neither is something like a “Death Panel”.

If you are in a crowd and a very serious discussion erupts over the faked moon landing, chances are that the crowd will also be open to other crackpot theories du jour. You are in a nascent angry mob. Get the hell out.

Fact 4: Canada can’t be to blame for everything…

Everyone knows that Canada is inherently evil, with their cuddly beavers and their insane notions about universal healthcare…at least everyone seems to know that in the crowd you arein. You are either in a South Park movie or the makings of an angry mob. No sudden movements, but kindly exit stage right.

Fact 5: The louder political pundits support the angrier mobs

Many angry political pundits follow mobs like you and I follow stocks, and they love volatility. If angry white guys were an ETF then the biggest shareholders would be Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

Choosing a rally to attend based on a pundit’s recommendation is like asking a pharmaceutical company what drugs you should be taking. You should know that they will recommend what is in their interests…don’t get upset when that third arm sprouts up or when your appendages begin to change color.

These are just a few rules of thumb to heed so you can avoid being caught up in something that sane Americans will shake their heads at. Of course, you can always ignore these rules and have the exclusive opportunity to hang out with these guys:

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