Toyota Unveils New Slogan: “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”
February 8, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”
Company spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal. And Keeps it There.”
Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, “Toyota. The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.” More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentToyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great
February 4, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”
“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Toyota spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”
But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.
“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”
Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.” More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentToyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great
February 4, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”
“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Toyota spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”
But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.
“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”
Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.” More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentChris Matthews Sees Avatar; Forgets Characters are Blue
February 2, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – On his television program Hardball last night, host Chris Matthews revealed that he had seen the Oscar-nominated film Avatar and for an hour had forgotten that the alien characters, the Na’vi, were blue.
“I’m sitting there in the theater with my 3-D glasses on and here are these blue creatures talking to a bunch of white guys,” Mr. Matthews said. “And for about an hour there I totally forgot they were blue.”
Despite an awkward silence from his on-air guests, Mr. Matthews continued: “I mean, I totally forgot they were blue. And I forgot that they had three fingers and looked like cats.”
“It says a lot about where our society is in 2010 that a bunch of white guys can be talking with a bunch of blue cat people with three fingers, in 3-D and what have you, and nobody makes a big deal out of it,” he said. “I mean, that blows my mind in a way.”
Mr. Matthews revealed that in addition to forgetting that the Avatar characters were blue, earlier in the day he had also forgotten his car keys, his home address, and to put his pants on. More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentHollywood Eager to Finally Fuck Up ‘Catcher in the Rye’
February 1, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) – Just hours after author J.D. Salinger passed away at his New Hampshire home on Wednesday, Hollywood studios were already salivating at the chance to finally ruin his masterpiece, Catcher in the Rye.
“If we are fortunate enough to acquire the rights to Mr. Salinger’s book, we pledge to stay faithful to the spirit of Catcher in the Rye,” said Dougy Binstock, a producer at Columbia Pictures. “And the best way to do that is by producing it as a rock opera.”
But even as Mr. Binstock was bidding for the rights to produce a film he hopes to call Phantom of the Rye, Mindy Hammerfur, an executive at Paramount Pictures, said she thought Salinger’s book was “seriously in need of a reboot.”
“We never find out in the book how Holden Caulfield becomes the catcher in the rye,” said Ms. Hammerfur. “The movie really needs to be kind of a prequel.”
But of all the potential bidders hoping to desecrate Catcher in the Rye, Avatar director James Cameron may have the inside track.
“I loved this book as a boy and I’m not going to change a thing,” Mr. Cameron said, “except for adding blue space-cats.”
Elsewhere, CBS said it had rejected an ad for a gay dating site for the 2010 Super Bowl, but that it would still air three hours of men in tight pants slapping each other on the ass. More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentApple Launches Text-sharing Device, the CoTex
January 30, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.
“There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data,” said Apple founder Steve Jobs. “But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex.”
Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple’s just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, “the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information.”
When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, “I guess it’s that time of the month.”
Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President Obama’s State of the Union address disagreed with it. More here.
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Sphere: Related ContentApple Launches Text-sharing Device, the CoTex
January 29, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.</…
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Obama Opposes Pants on the Ground
January 26, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In his first State of the Union Address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama will attempt to reach out to middle class voters by stating his opposition to pant…
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Bin Laden Claims Responsibility for Balloon Boy Hoax
January 25, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – One day after claiming responsibility for the Christmas Day underpants bomber, Osama bin Laden appeared in a new terror tape today in which he claimed responsibil…
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Pat Robertson ‘A Public Relations Nightmare,’ Says God
January 15, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In the wake of his comments about the earthquake in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson has become a “public relations nightmare” and a “gynormous embarrassment to m…
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