Poll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists
August 23, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans are not convinced that Mr. Obama exists.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I believe that Barack Obama’s birth was faked, just like the moon landing.”
The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who believes that Mr. Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks.
“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s proof that he was never born.”
Ms. Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, “Obama is never there to begin with.”
Appearing Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) made comments about Mr. Obama’s existence that only stoked the controversy.
“I’ve spoken to him face-to-face, and I take him at his word that he exists,” he said. “Unless of course I was talking to a hologram.”
At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs brushed aside a question about the President’s existence, saying that Mr. Obama had “no comment.”
Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this response: “The reason he has no comment is that he has no mouth.”
The Los Angeles Times says that Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox by clicking here.
Sphere: Related ContentPoll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists
August 23, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans are not convinced that Mr. Obama exists.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I believe that Barack Obama’s birth was faked, just like the moon landing.”
The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who believes that Mr. Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks.
“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s proof that he was never born.”
Ms. Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, “Obama is never there to begin with.”
Appearing Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) made comments about Mr. Obama’s existence that only stoked the controversy.
“I’ve spoken to him face-to-face, and I take him at his word that he exists,” he said. “Unless of course I was talking to a hologram.”
At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs brushed aside a question about the President’s existence, saying that Mr. Obama had “no comment.”
Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this response: “The reason he has no comment is that he has no mouth.”
The Los Angeles Times says that Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox by clicking here.
Sphere: Related ContentPoll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists
August 23, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans are not convinced that Mr. Obama exists.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I believe that Barack Obama’s birth was faked, just like the moon landing.”
The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who believes that Mr. Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks.
“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s proof that he was never born.”
Ms. Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, “Obama is never there to begin with.”
Appearing Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) made comments about Mr. Obama’s existence that only stoked the controversy.
“I’ve spoken to him face-to-face, and I take him at his word that he exists,” he said. “Unless of course I was talking to a hologram.”
At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs brushed aside a question about the President’s existence, saying that Mr. Obama had “no comment.”
Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this response: “The reason he has no comment is that he has no mouth.”
The Los Angeles Times says that Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox by clicking here.
Sphere: Related ContentPoll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists
August 23, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans are not convinced that Mr. Obama exists.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I believe that Barack Obama’s birth was faked, just like the moon landing.”
The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who believes that Mr. Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks.
“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s proof that he was never born.”
Ms. Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, “Obama is never there to begin with.”
Appearing Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) made comments about Mr. Obama’s existence that only stoked the controversy.
“I’ve spoken to him face-to-face, and I take him at his word that he exists,” he said. “Unless of course I was talking to a hologram.”
At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs brushed aside a question about the President’s existence, saying that Mr. Obama had “no comment.”
Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this response: “The reason he has no comment is that he has no mouth.”
The Los Angeles Times says that Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox by clicking here.
Sphere: Related ContentPoll: One out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists
August 23, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans are not convinced that Mr. Obama exists.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, reveals that 23 percent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “I believe that Barack Obama’s birth was faked, just like the moon landing.”
The poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who believes that Mr. Obama is an optical illusion created by the Democratic Party to raise taxes and bail out banks.
“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s proof that he was never born.”
Ms. Rance says that while President George W. Bush was criticized for disappearing every August, “Obama is never there to begin with.”
Appearing Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) made comments about Mr. Obama’s existence that only stoked the controversy.
“I’ve spoken to him face-to-face, and I take him at his word that he exists,” he said. “Unless of course I was talking to a hologram.”
At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs brushed aside a question about the President’s existence, saying that Mr. Obama had “no comment.”
Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this response: “The reason he has no comment is that he has no mouth.”
The Los Angeles Times says that Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox by clicking here.
Sphere: Related ContentAll U.S. Workplaces to be Fitted with Inflatable Slides
August 10, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.
According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and “go off” at the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away.
Starting on Monday, inflatable slides will be installed in such diverse workplaces as Home Depot, Starbucks, and the White House, said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis.
“If post offices had inflatable slides, think of the lives we could have saved,” she said. More here.
The Los Angeles Times Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Sphere: Related ContentIn Month Before Labor Day, Pointless ‘Filler’ Columns Abound
August 3, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the month before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free “filler” columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.
The “filler” columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space — meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.
And rather than doing any original writing, the slothful columnists will rely on so-called “experts” to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say.
“They’ll often quote people you’ve never heard of,” says Harold Crimmins, an expert in the field of filler columns. “It’s pretty shameless.”
The typical “filler” column is often a reprint of a previously published column, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, to disguise this fact.
And in order to fill up space even faster, Crimmins says, the lazy beach-bound columnist will compose his summer “filler” columns with short paragraphs.
Many of these paragraphs will be as short as one sentence, he says.
“Or shorter,” he adds.
There are other telltale signs a reader can look for in order to determine whether a writer has, in fact, filed a so-called “filler” column, according to Crimmins.
One of these is a tendency to repeat information that the reader has already read earlier in the article, with columnists even stooping to using the same quote twice.
“They’ll often quote people you’ve never heard of,” Crimmins says.
Another tip-off is if the column ends abruptly.
Andy will be on Twitter for the month of August — follow his updates here.
Sphere: Related ContentBP Replaces Tony Hayward with Startled Deer
July 27, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Carrying through on its pledge to install fresh leadership at the top of the company, BP today replaced embattled CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer.
Bucky, the red deer selected to take the helm at BP, is believed to be the first woodland creature ever to run a multinational corporation.
In his first appearance before reporters in London, however, the antlered executive garnered mixed reviews for what some observers said was an unsteady performance.
Appearing frightened by the TV lights, Bucky kicked over the podium and then pranced down the hall before being subdued by a tranquilizer dart.
“Clearly he’s a little rough around the edges,” said BP board chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. “But he still did better than Tony.”
Elsewhere, Apple unveiled a new iPhone app that translates Fox News into news. More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Sphere: Related ContentBP Replaces Tony Hayward with Startled Deer
July 27, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Carrying through on its pledge to install fresh leadership at the top of the company, BP today replaced embattled CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer.
Bucky, the red deer selected to take the helm at BP, is believed to be the first woodland creature ever to run a multinational corporation.
In his first appearance before reporters in London, however, the antlered executive garnered mixed reviews for what some observers said was an unsteady performance.
Appearing frightened by the TV lights, Bucky kicked over the podium and then pranced down the hall before being subdued by a tranquilizer dart.
“Clearly he’s a little rough around the edges,” said BP board chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. “But he still did better than Tony.”
Elsewhere, Apple unveiled a new iPhone app that translates Fox News into news. More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Sphere: Related ContentBP Replaces Tony Hayward with Startled Deer
July 27, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Carrying through on its pledge to install fresh leadership at the top of the company, BP today replaced embattled CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer.
Bucky, the red deer selected to take the helm at BP, is believed to be the first woodland creature ever to run a multinational corporation.
In his first appearance before reporters in London, however, the antlered executive garnered mixed reviews for what some observers said was an unsteady performance.
Appearing frightened by the TV lights, Bucky kicked over the podium and then pranced down the hall before being subdued by a tranquilizer dart.
“Clearly he’s a little rough around the edges,” said BP board chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. “But he still did better than Tony.”
Elsewhere, Apple unveiled a new iPhone app that translates Fox News into news. More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
Sphere: Related Content