Jilly Gagnon: Some Enchanted Evening
February 9, 2010 by Huffington Post
Filed under Humor
You’ve had your eye on that special lady for awhile; from your command post at the end of the block, and the one just outside her office, and the cameras you’ve set up in the trees nearest her bedroom window. Now it’s time to show her how much you care by celebrating your shared love with the sort of gift that no one else could give … because you’ll sign the attached note in your own blood. Maybe if she just sees your blood, she’ll understand how she pulses through you, and makes you itchy all over, and keeps you up nights, GOD, it BURNS.
Make it a Valentine’s she’ll never, ever be able to forget, no matter how many sessions she and her therapist devote to it, with these handy tips:
*Nothing says “I love you” like burning those words into her front lawn! Make it personal; is she a green freak? Use an organic accelerant! Know from what you’ve found in the recycling bin that she wears Chanel? You’d be surprised how lovely it smells when it’s being burned into sod! Is her favorite movie American Beauty? Make sure to film her reaction from a carefully concealed location, then send her the movie anonymously later as a lovely follow-up gift!
In fact, make sure you film it no matter what. You’re gonna want to have a copy of that on hand.
* Sometimes the real meaning of the holiday can get lost under all the commercial trappings. Put the “Saint” back in Saint Valentine’s day this year with a traditional gift: the artfully arranged corpse of a pet (Don’t worry — you can move up to even more highly valued loved ones when you two get more serious!)
The martyrdom of a spiritual innocent will remind her of the true meaning of the season, and the fact that there’s no trace of the head will let her know who’s really in control of who gets to nuzzle whom around here.
* Sure, uncomfortably expensive presents are nice, but sometimes those little gestures – fixing the shower cam, weaving a hair doll from what you’ve found in her pipes, sewage, and pillow, or taking the time to implant the GPS tracking device under her skin yourself, by hand – mean a lot more.
* Spice up your love story with a little game play!
Make her night into a very naughty version of Let’s Make a Deal with a box of decadent chocolates … and a hidden roofie.
If she doesn’t seem in the mood for game play, press her buttons by pressing play on the video you made of Mr. Kittikens looking very much in need of mommy’s help, wearing just the most adorable sign around his neck about how her cooperation is the only way to save his life. Now you know why you saved that head!
Here’s the real deal you’re making: they’re all roofied.
* All any woman is really looking for is an intimate candlelit dinner with her knight in shining armor.
After you’ve given her the chocolate appetizer, lock the door to make sure no one interrupts your special time. Once you candle-light the curtains, she won’t know what’s more overwhelming: the beautiful, and unproveable-as-arson, flame of your love for her, the smoke inhalation, or the roofies starting to kick in.
If all your careful Valentine’s planning doesn’t win her over, the daring rescue you’ll stage will guarantee that she’ll see you as her savior forevermore! It will help, of course, if you ensure that she never gets a chance to see anyone else again, just in case you’re not the type to count on retrograde amnesia to do your wooing for you!
And don’t forget to make it about her — now would be a great time to use up the rest of that highly-flammable perfume and organic accelerant, just to make sure she knows you’re really committed to getting her out of this her way, or maybe succumbing with her, Romeo and Juliet style, as a final act of devotion.
If that doesn’t spell true love, trace over the words another time with a freshly-sliced fingertip.
Read more: Stalking, Valentine Stalking, Valentine's, Humor, Satire, Valentines Day, Comedy, Comedy News
Jilly Gagnon: Some Enchanted Evening
February 9, 2010 by Huffington Post
Filed under Humor
You’ve had your eye on that special lady for awhile; from your command post at the end of the block, and the one just outside her office, and the cameras you’ve set up in the trees nearest her bedroom window. Now it’s time to show her how much you care by celebrating your shared love with the sort of gift that no one else could give … because you’ll sign the attached note in your own blood. Maybe if she just sees your blood, she’ll understand how she pulses through you, and makes you itchy all over, and keeps you up nights, GOD, it BURNS.
Make it a Valentine’s she’ll never, ever be able to forget, no matter how many sessions she and her therapist devote to it, with these handy tips:
*Nothing says “I love you” like burning those words into her front lawn! Make it personal; is she a green freak? Use an organic accelerant! Know from what you’ve found in the recycling bin that she wears Chanel? You’d be surprised how lovely it smells when it’s being burned into sod! Is her favorite movie American Beauty? Make sure to film her reaction from a carefully concealed location, then send her the movie anonymously later as a lovely follow-up gift!
In fact, make sure you film it no matter what. You’re gonna want to have a copy of that on hand.
* Sometimes the real meaning of the holiday can get lost under all the commercial trappings. Put the “Saint” back in Saint Valentine’s day this year with a traditional gift: the artfully arranged corpse of a pet (Don’t worry — you can move up to even more highly valued loved ones when you two get more serious!)
The martyrdom of a spiritual innocent will remind her of the true meaning of the season, and the fact that there’s no trace of the head will let her know who’s really in control of who gets to nuzzle whom around here.
* Sure, uncomfortably expensive presents are nice, but sometimes those little gestures – fixing the shower cam, weaving a hair doll from what you’ve found in her pipes, sewage, and pillow, or taking the time to implant the GPS tracking device under her skin yourself, by hand – mean a lot more.
* Spice up your love story with a little game play!
Make her night into a very naughty version of Let’s Make a Deal with a box of decadent chocolates … and a hidden roofie.
If she doesn’t seem in the mood for game play, press her buttons by pressing play on the video you made of Mr. Kittikens looking very much in need of mommy’s help, wearing just the most adorable sign around his neck about how her cooperation is the only way to save his life. Now you know why you saved that head!
Here’s the real deal you’re making: they’re all roofied.
* All any woman is really looking for is an intimate candlelit dinner with her knight in shining armor.
After you’ve given her the chocolate appetizer, lock the door to make sure no one interrupts your special time. Once you candle-light the curtains, she won’t know what’s more overwhelming: the beautiful, and unproveable-as-arson, flame of your love for her, the smoke inhalation, or the roofies starting to kick in.
If all your careful Valentine’s planning doesn’t win her over, the daring rescue you’ll stage will guarantee that she’ll see you as her savior forevermore! It will help, of course, if you ensure that she never gets a chance to see anyone else again, just in case you’re not the type to count on retrograde amnesia to do your wooing for you!
And don’t forget to make it about her — now would be a great time to use up the rest of that highly-flammable perfume and organic accelerant, just to make sure she knows you’re really committed to getting her out of this her way, or maybe succumbing with her, Romeo and Juliet style, as a final act of devotion.
If that doesn’t spell true love, trace over the words another time with a freshly-sliced fingertip.
Read more: Stalking, Valentine Stalking, Valentine's, Humor, Satire, Valentines Day, Comedy, Comedy News
Jilly Gagnon: Some Enchanted Evening
February 9, 2010 by Huffington Post
Filed under Humor
You’ve had your eye on that special lady for awhile; from your command post at the end of the block, and the one just outside her office, and the cameras you’ve set up in the trees nearest her bedroom window. Now it’s time to show her how much you care by celebrating your shared love with the sort of gift that no one else could give … because you’ll sign the attached note in your own blood. Maybe if she just sees your blood, she’ll understand how she pulses through you, and makes you itchy all over, and keeps you up nights, GOD, it BURNS.
Make it a Valentine’s she’ll never, ever be able to forget, no matter how many sessions she and her therapist devote to it, with these handy tips:
*Nothing says “I love you” like burning those words into her front lawn! Make it personal; is she a green freak? Use an organic accelerant! Know from what you’ve found in the recycling bin that she wears Chanel? You’d be surprised how lovely it smells when it’s being burned into sod! Is her favorite movie American Beauty? Make sure to film her reaction from a carefully concealed location, then send her the movie anonymously later as a lovely follow-up gift!
In fact, make sure you film it no matter what. You’re gonna want to have a copy of that on hand.
* Sometimes the real meaning of the holiday can get lost under all the commercial trappings. Put the “Saint” back in Saint Valentine’s day this year with a traditional gift: the artfully arranged corpse of a pet (Don’t worry — you can move up to even more highly valued loved ones when you two get more serious!)
The martyrdom of a spiritual innocent will remind her of the true meaning of the season, and the fact that there’s no trace of the head will let her know who’s really in control of who gets to nuzzle whom around here.
* Sure, uncomfortably expensive presents are nice, but sometimes those little gestures – fixing the shower cam, weaving a hair doll from what you’ve found in her pipes, sewage, and pillow, or taking the time to implant the GPS tracking device under her skin yourself, by hand – mean a lot more.
* Spice up your love story with a little game play!
Make her night into a very naughty version of Let’s Make a Deal with a box of decadent chocolates … and a hidden roofie.
If she doesn’t seem in the mood for game play, press her buttons by pressing play on the video you made of Mr. Kittikens looking very much in need of mommy’s help, wearing just the most adorable sign around his neck about how her cooperation is the only way to save his life. Now you know why you saved that head!
Here’s the real deal you’re making: they’re all roofied.
* All any woman is really looking for is an intimate candlelit dinner with her knight in shining armor.
After you’ve given her the chocolate appetizer, lock the door to make sure no one interrupts your special time. Once you candle-light the curtains, she won’t know what’s more overwhelming: the beautiful, and unproveable-as-arson, flame of your love for her, the smoke inhalation, or the roofies starting to kick in.
If all your careful Valentine’s planning doesn’t win her over, the daring rescue you’ll stage will guarantee that she’ll see you as her savior forevermore! It will help, of course, if you ensure that she never gets a chance to see anyone else again, just in case you’re not the type to count on retrograde amnesia to do your wooing for you!
And don’t forget to make it about her — now would be a great time to use up the rest of that highly-flammable perfume and organic accelerant, just to make sure she knows you’re really committed to getting her out of this her way, or maybe succumbing with her, Romeo and Juliet style, as a final act of devotion.
If that doesn’t spell true love, trace over the words another time with a freshly-sliced fingertip.
Read more: Stalking, Valentine Stalking, Valentine's, Humor, Satire, Valentines Day, Comedy, Comedy News
Is health care a basic human right?
February 9, 2010 by Liberty For All
Filed under Humor
by Tessa Rose
A response to the Facebook poll: Should health care be considered a basic human right?
If health care is a basic human right, then why are so many people speaking in such nationalistic terms–complaining, for instance, about illegal aliens, as if only Americans are human beings? Citizens of Mexico are humans, too. So are citizens of Nigeria, and China. If health care is a basic human right, then it is a basic right of every human being in the world.
Much of the conflict in the current health care debate comes from confusion about the concept of “rights.” Many Americans cling to an old-fashioned definition of “rights” which denies the validity of positive rights like the right to adequate health care. So allow me to take a moment to clarify the difference between positive and negative human rights.
Health care is a positive right, which means it is a right to certain goods and services produced by others. The right to health care creates a corresponding obligation for others to produce and provide those goods and services. In contrast, a negative right, like the right to life, requires only that others refrain from killing you. Thus, negative rights require nothing more than acknowledgment and self-control from others, while positive rights require production and provision of goods and services. Of course this does not mean that positive rights do not exist–only that they require much more effort to “defend.”
Another difference between positive and negative rights is that negative rights place a negative obligation on all other humans equally; your right to life requires all other humans to refrain from killing you. But a positive right entails the obligation to provide goods and services; it cannot be required of those who cannot produce and provide those goods and services, but only of the relatively small segment of humanity that has the ability to produce them. The obligations of this particular group (in this case, doctors, nurses, drug companies, etc.) can be somewhat mitigated by taxing everyone who receives income to pay those who must actually do the work. This spreads the obligation more evenly over the human population.
I think it’s obvious that the defense of humanity’s right to health care requires the establishment of a world organization devoted to assessing the needs of all countries and ensuring that those needs are met, with as much fairness as is humanly possible. This organization must be granted power, first of all, to tax the entire working/investing population of the world (though perhaps individual governments could tax their own citizens and hand it over all at once). Funding would probably be best accomplished by steeply progressive taxes on income and wealth. Secondly, the organization must have the power to deploy doctors, nurses, and medical resources where they are needed most. At first, this system would undoubtedly entail a massive influx of money and personnel from the richer to the poorer countries of the world, but only until such time as health care resources are deemed by the central medical authority to be distributed evenly over the world.
It is to be hoped that American medical personnel would voluntarily and happily embrace their placements in foreign countries for the good of humanity. However, the central medical authority must have the ability to enforce the fair distribution of medical services if necessary. Possibly large fines could be levied on anyone who refuses deployment, and this money could be used to pay others who are willing. Possibly doctors and nurses could be barred from practicing their chosen profession if they refuse to accept their assignments.
We would hope that stronger measures, such as imprisonment, would not be necessary to enforce compliance from doctors and nurses. However, imprisonment has always been required to enforce the payment of taxes, and this is not likely to change. In the United States and other developed nations where the first phase of universal health care will undoubtedly entail higher taxes coupled with a lower level of health care services, strong measures may be required to enforce compliance with the new health care tax for certain segments of the population.
While sensible, progressive thinkers will undoubtedly embrace the plan and pay the new taxes voluntarily, the United States is unfortunately home to a great number of potential domestic terrorists who care for no one but themselves, and regard all socially progressive programs with extreme paranoia. Their propaganda attempts to discredit the very concept of the positive rights essential to a socially advanced society. Sadly, we are likely to experience a vicious backlash against the health care system from this backward group, and additional taxes may be needed to pay for the incarceration of any who refuse to comply with the new laws.
Tessa Rose is the wife of tax heretic/anarchist writer Larken Rose, with whom many of you are familiar. Find out more about Tessa at http://tessa-rose.blogspot.com/.
Is health care a basic human right?
February 9, 2010 by Liberty For All
Filed under Humor
by Tessa Rose
A response to the Facebook poll: Should health care be considered a basic human right?
If health care is a basic human right, then why are so many people speaking in such nationalistic terms–complaining, for instance, about illegal aliens, as if only Americans are human beings? Citizens of Mexico are humans, too. So are citizens of Nigeria, and China. If health care is a basic human right, then it is a basic right of every human being in the world.
Much of the conflict in the current health care debate comes from confusion about the concept of “rights.” Many Americans cling to an old-fashioned definition of “rights” which denies the validity of positive rights like the right to adequate health care. So allow me to take a moment to clarify the difference between positive and negative human rights.
Health care is a positive right, which means it is a right to certain goods and services produced by others. The right to health care creates a corresponding obligation for others to produce and provide those goods and services. In contrast, a negative right, like the right to life, requires only that others refrain from killing you. Thus, negative rights require nothing more than acknowledgment and self-control from others, while positive rights require production and provision of goods and services. Of course this does not mean that positive rights do not exist–only that they require much more effort to “defend.”
Another difference between positive and negative rights is that negative rights place a negative obligation on all other humans equally; your right to life requires all other humans to refrain from killing you. But a positive right entails the obligation to provide goods and services; it cannot be required of those who cannot produce and provide those goods and services, but only of the relatively small segment of humanity that has the ability to produce them. The obligations of this particular group (in this case, doctors, nurses, drug companies, etc.) can be somewhat mitigated by taxing everyone who receives income to pay those who must actually do the work. This spreads the obligation more evenly over the human population.
I think it’s obvious that the defense of humanity’s right to health care requires the establishment of a world organization devoted to assessing the needs of all countries and ensuring that those needs are met, with as much fairness as is humanly possible. This organization must be granted power, first of all, to tax the entire working/investing population of the world (though perhaps individual governments could tax their own citizens and hand it over all at once). Funding would probably be best accomplished by steeply progressive taxes on income and wealth. Secondly, the organization must have the power to deploy doctors, nurses, and medical resources where they are needed most. At first, this system would undoubtedly entail a massive influx of money and personnel from the richer to the poorer countries of the world, but only until such time as health care resources are deemed by the central medical authority to be distributed evenly over the world.
It is to be hoped that American medical personnel would voluntarily and happily embrace their placements in foreign countries for the good of humanity. However, the central medical authority must have the ability to enforce the fair distribution of medical services if necessary. Possibly large fines could be levied on anyone who refuses deployment, and this money could be used to pay others who are willing. Possibly doctors and nurses could be barred from practicing their chosen profession if they refuse to accept their assignments.
We would hope that stronger measures, such as imprisonment, would not be necessary to enforce compliance from doctors and nurses. However, imprisonment has always been required to enforce the payment of taxes, and this is not likely to change. In the United States and other developed nations where the first phase of universal health care will undoubtedly entail higher taxes coupled with a lower level of health care services, strong measures may be required to enforce compliance with the new health care tax for certain segments of the population.
While sensible, progressive thinkers will undoubtedly embrace the plan and pay the new taxes voluntarily, the United States is unfortunately home to a great number of potential domestic terrorists who care for no one but themselves, and regard all socially progressive programs with extreme paranoia. Their propaganda attempts to discredit the very concept of the positive rights essential to a socially advanced society. Sadly, we are likely to experience a vicious backlash against the health care system from this backward group, and additional taxes may be needed to pay for the incarceration of any who refuse to comply with the new laws.
Tessa Rose is the wife of tax heretic/anarchist writer Larken Rose, with whom many of you are familiar. Find out more about Tessa at http://tessa-rose.blogspot.com/.
Thief robs arcade with cup of coffee (Reuters)
February 9, 2010 by admin
Filed under Clueless, Humor, Total Nonsense
Reuters – A thief in the German town of Hamelin robbed an amusement arcade by threatening the attendant with a cup of coffee, authorities said on Tuesday.
Read original article here
Thief robs arcade with cup of coffee (Reuters)
February 9, 2010 by admin
Filed under Clueless, Humor, Total Nonsense
Reuters – A thief in the German town of Hamelin robbed an amusement arcade by threatening the attendant with a cup of coffee, authorities said on Tuesday.
Read original article here
My Shop Vac
February 9, 2010 by Scott Adams
Filed under Humor
Now that I have a manly garage, with a manly workbench, I was delighted to receive for Christmas a Shop Vac. It's a magical device that sucks up all sorts of debris, even liquid. It has attachments for everything. I think one attachment is for haircuts, but I haven't tried it yet. The Shop Vac is gray and black and reminds me of R2D2 so much that I expect it to jack into my breaker panels and reprogram my DVR.
My point is that my Shop Vac is totally awesome. That is, unless I try to move it. It has wheels, but at the first sign of movement, the Shop Vac starts squirming and tossing off attachments like a balloonist heading into a volcano. The hose becomes like a spastic elephant trunk. It will find all of the loose objects in your garage and fling them one-by-one into oil spills and darkened spider nests. If you focus your attention on the flailing vacuum hose, the power cord will wrap itself around your legs and try to trip you into the pyramid of old paint cans. And the screaming. Good lord, the little wheels scream on the concrete floor. It's Shop Vac language for "LEAVE ME ALONE! DO NOT MOVE ME! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY TENTACLE!"
The worst of it, if I can pick just one thing, is that the situation totally ruins my manly vibe. I live in fear that Shelly will come into the garage and see me losing a cage match to R2D2. That would totally suck, ironically.
Anyway, I've developed a truce with my Shop Vac. Now I sweep the debris from wherever it falls all the way to where the Shop Vac lives, and directly under its waiting nostril. I gingerly press the ON button along a direct vertical line so I don't awaken the tentacle of death. I still plan to use the Shop Vac for haircuts, but I'll have to put the kids on towels on their backs and slowly drag them towards the Shop Vac's waiting hose and hope for the best.
I searched the Internet for what I imagined would be the obvious set of third-party add-ons for the Shop Vac, but found none. What I want is some sort of pole attachment from the top of the Shop Vac upon which I can drape the power cord and hose while moving the Shop Vac against its will. Sort of like an IV drip scenario, but with a power cord and vacuum hose. Would one of you go invent that and get back to me?
Broadcaster fined over killing a rat on TV show (Reuters)
February 8, 2010 by admin
Filed under Clueless, Humor, Total Nonsense
Reuters – British broadcaster ITV pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and was fined by an Australian court on Monday after a rat was killed and eaten on the reality TV show “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here.”
Read original article here
Toyota Unveils New Slogan: “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”
February 8, 2010 by Andy Borowitz
Filed under Humor, Total Nonsense
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”
Company spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal. And Keeps it There.”
Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, “Toyota. The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.” More here.
For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.
