Cheers and Jeers: Monday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

An Open Letter to America

1-19-09

Dear America,

Remember when President Bush said that God told him what to do—like run for president and invade Iraq and yadda yadda yadda? That’s true. I did. Surprise!

See, every now and then I like to toss a wrench in your works to test your mettle: Civil War, Great Depression, Watergate, Billy Harrison croaking after 31 days…and George W. Bush. I rigged all that. In the case of Bush, I wanted to see how you’d handle having a leader who was a perfect storm of bad: terrible at governing, but brilliant at manipulating the government, the press and the people (”y’all”) to help him abuse his power and try to flush democracy down the tank.

I understand if you’re mad at me, but think about it. You had all the tools you needed to push back and prevent Mr. Bush and his “folks” from doing their dirty deeds. Congress: you could’ve examined the WMD and NSA data more carefully, for example, and legislated on facts instead of ideology. Reporters and editors: you could’ve been more objective and curious by a factor of ten. The rest of you (I believe you’re known as “We the People”): you could’ve—oh, what’s the phrase?—paid attention. I mean, over half of you still can’t find Iraq on a map? That’s lightning bolt-worthy. [ZOT! Ka-BOOM!]

And now your grand republic sits there, practically dead in the water. Smooth move. Epic fail.

Fortunately for you I’m not a total jerk. So, even though you’ve allowed things to get so out of hand, I’m giving you another chance to make things right before I send a meteor up your hiney and turn the country back over to the dinosaurs.

You’re off to a good start by electing Mr. Obama, who has become more popular than me. But now you have to hold his—and Congress’s and the media’s and your own—feet to the fire. Seriously. I know it’s a bit inconvenient, but it’s necessary and not that difficult. Just pay attention, pitch in and make some noise. Oh, and the Founding Fathers wanted me to tell you that perhaps you could pull out that old rag called the United States Constitution and give it a skim once in awhile. They kinda busted their humps to create it for you.

Good luck. If anyone can pull it off, you can. You have an amazing habit of bouncing back. I do like that quality in you people.

Sincerely,

God (But you can call me Gladys)

P.S. Want to hear something funny? I also ordered Mr. Bush to clear all that brush. He had no idea why he was doing it and cursed every second of it. Still mad at me?

Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville… [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

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