Obama to Harvest Stem Cells from Only Wealthy Embryos

(2009-03-07) — As he signs an executive order Monday lifting limits on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, President Barack Obama said he intends to make the wealthiest Americans “bear their fair share of the burden.”

Following through on his inaugural promise “to restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost“, the president will order the National Institutes of Health to extract stem cells from embryos whose parents earn more than $250,000 per year, and to inject them into “the sick and crippled middle class.”

“Let me be perfectly clear,” Mr. Obama said, “if your family earns less than $250,000 per year, the federal government will not harvest one single stem cell from your embryos…not one single cell. In fact, for 95 percent of working families, my stem cell plan contains nothing but miraculous healing. That’s right, the cures are on the way.”

President George Bush, widely credited for blocking embryonic stem cell research, actually presided over the first federally-funded work in this area, only limiting the study to several dozen existing stem cell lines to avoid creating a market for what he called “spare parts” derived from humans.

“My predecessor kept us in the Dark Ages, allowing his morality to hinder our quest for immortality,” said President Obama. “And today, some say we should focus on adult stem cells, or other technologies with better track records that harm no one. But those voices fail to recognize that great achievement never comes without great sacrifice. We must not shrink from the certain surrender of what seems precious, because we fail to believe in that one-in-a-million chance at the miraculous. History will judge us.”

Your Donation Fuels Family-Friendly Satire

Comments are closed.