Gay Tiger Attacks Santorum
LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report) – After making remarks in which he equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum was attacked at a Las Vegas hotel’s jungle habitat by a gay tiger.
Mr. Santorum had scheduled a campaign stop at the hotel and casino where he made his remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a white tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.
According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, “The way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted and whatnot.”
As Mr. Santorum’s remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate, ripping his sweater vest to shreds.
Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call rushed to the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Mr. Santorum, who had continued to make his inflammatory remarks throughout the mauling.
According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident had done nothing to change Mr. Santorum’s position on gay marriage: “Not only that, but now he’s opposed to tigers marrying other tigers.”
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